Letting go

Posted by The Wizzle | Posted on Tuesday, June 23, 2009 at 6:08 PM


I'm freaking out a little bit today.

I spent part of the afternoon getting this here little pile of goodies all ready for a new home. These are the newborn sized diapers I used for both Eve and Iris, and some wool covers. I haven't seen these in months, except to curse them as I stepped on them yet again in their "to be sold/donated" pile on the floor of the coat closet. So I shouldn't miss them, right?

Does anyone believe that for a second?

I am done having babies. I know this. Rationally, logically, pragmatically, I feel good about this decision on every level. I am confident that it is the right one for me, and for my family.

But when I see that little pile of diapers, ready to go live with some other family - when I'm packing them up into a box, never to use them again - I'm having a hard time. Having another baby won't solve this problem for me, only delay it for a year or two. Because eventually, no matter what, one of those babies will be the last one. I might as well face it.

I don't miss my older two kids as babies, but maybe that's because I always had another baby to take their place as the family caboose. With Iris, I find myself thinking all the time: is this the last time she will smile at me with three teeth? Is this the last time she will wear this tiny dress? I smell her breath every day because I don't want to miss the last sweet baby breath. One day it will change, and it won't be there any more, and another piece of her infancy will be gone forever. I can't get it back, so I have to enjoy it and be present for it while it's happening.

But, most of the time - when I'm not packing away sentimental piles of clothing and sundries - I am looking forward to the next chapter. I can't wait to take the kids to the symphony, to travel without accounting for naptimes, to take my girls out for mother-daughter pedicures. There is so much to look forward to, so many wonderful moments yet to come that I don't even know to anticipate. Moments like this one:

I am ready. I really am. I am not doubting my decision to have three children. It's perfect, and I love it.

But I really need to get those diapers out of sight and out of mind!

Comments (7)

Beautifully said, Rachel.

I'm surprised you could read it! My template is having technical difficulties...

I'm right there with ya, baby! Except I still have "what if" in the back of my mind....so I'm just trying to soak up this baby while I can!

And I just highlighted all the text so I could read it... :)

Waa. It is always sad to put away the littlies.

I have to read it in google reader or i can't read the blue on green. another waa.

Parenting is a bitter sweet experience. Passing through every emotion in the book during the journey. Hopefully the overall experience is positive, but it is amazing, exhausting thrill ride. Not for the faint of heart.

I am going through some of the same emotions. It is truly bittersweet. For the most part I think we are done and I feel complete as a family of 5, but gosh I keep finding myself saying never say never even though I have already purged all those tiny baby things.

Well I for one will be perfectly happy if you change your mind. :)