The middle one

Posted by The Wizzle | Posted on Wednesday, July 22, 2009 at 6:53 PM


How To Be Eve

by Eve Dixon

1. You have to start by being really, really adorable. Otherwise none of this other stuff goes down.

2. Cultivate a stubborn, argumentative streak. This will ensure you get your point across so your mother, even in her fragile mental state, can remember the pertinent blog points.

3. Pick a random question. Better yet, pick 15 random questions, and alternate them for maximum confusion and inanity. (Possible topics include, but are not limited to: swimming lessons, macaroni and cheese, the color yellow, Auntie Em, "when I am a grown-up mommy", feral cats, and sausages). Repeat. Shuffle. Repeat, louder.

4. OK, now back it off a little. Got to step mom up a little at a time. Run up, and give her leg a hug and a kiss. This will throw her off guard, making steps 5-7 more delightfully effective.

5. Answer all questions with "no", including "is your name Eve", "do you want a million dollars", and "are you arguing with me?" (This last one is especially delicious).

6. Know everything about everything. Also, be louder than everyone else in the vicinity.

7. Talk with your mouth full.

8. Wear striped tights in July.

9. Take long naps (maintaining this level of activity is exhausting!)

10. Insist, frequently, upon wearing nothing but your current favorite pair of shoes.

11. Mom says I have to wear undies too. Whatever. You don't have to listen to her.

(Mom, from offstage left: "Who is in charge in this house?")

You are, Mom.

(Mom: And when I ask you to do something, what do you say?)

OK, Mom.

12. Play along with these little exchanges. It will benefit you in the long run.

13. Read lots of stories.

14. Sing lots of songs. The best ones are made up on the spot. Suggested subject matter includes, but is not limited to: Rocket ships, mermaids, flowers, chocolate chip cookies, sleeping dollies, pigs, and Queen Victoria.

15. Have a big juicy round belly.

16. Pretend to dislike being tickled.

17. Practice all back, side, and tummy floats at home in the bathtub. Much more fun than doing it at, say, swimming lessons.

18. Have family home evening once a day. If you can't have it once a day, ask for it twice a day. Almost as good.

19. Dress like a fairy princess at every possible opportunity. Life is short. More is better.

Comments (6)

Excellent post, even if you aren't the one in charge.

Oh, Eve, granny loves post, mom.

She does play her role exceedingly well, doesn't she? Even with all these very descriptive instructions, I just don't know anyone else that could possibly pull it off. I'm in her pool of major fans with granny: she is so awesome!

I have a REALLY soft spot for little Eve. I think I will always love her. Thanks for the update!

20. Have an awesome nickname like "Juice Pig".

Love you, Eve.


Almost all of those sound like Mimi. Such fun girls we have! Abby always tells people, "She only looks sweet and innocent." LOL.