My funny life

Posted by The Wizzle | Posted on Friday, July 23, 2010 at 11:57 PM


My kids said lots of funny things today. I was able to reflect on this happily - AFTER they were all sound asleep in bed - and thought I'd share some of them with you, since our desktop is still on the fritz and I don't have pictures.

1. Devlin, the orderly perfectionist, upon seeing the giant dark-blue dried paint configuration on his white carpet for the first time:

(eyes widen ominously)

"You know Mom, I actually like it." (gets out space book, one of many) "See? It looks like the big round sun with the plasma coming off the edges. Thanks!"

It actually does look rather like the sun with plasma coming off the edges. Only blue. And huge. And on the floor. In paint. But I'm delighted he sees it that way. I, personally, am considering using it as a Rorschach test of sorts to intimidate first-time visitors to our home. "Just a brief psychiatric evaluation before we sit down to dinner, you know, to see if we want to be friends with you..."

2. Devlin again, telling me for some reason about the formation of the moon:

"Many billions of years ago, a Mars-sized object hit the Earth, sending matter and gasses...and other science things...breaking off into space. Those became the moon".

Other science things?! Where does he get this stuff?

3. Eve, commiserating with me on the amount of time devoted to home improvement projects recently:

"Stupid house!"

Devlin: "Eve! Our house is not stupid. Remember the pool?"

So, at least there is that one redeeming feature. Perhaps I should let them live out there, then I wouldn't have to worry about cleaning the bathrooms.

4. When I went in to clean my bathroom, mentioned previously, I found Barbie laying on a washcloth bed on the floor with Ken, dressed as Pocahontas, covered with Eve's fanciest dress as a blanket. Hey, who am I to judge? Ken definitely does rock the one-shoulder look.

Sometimes I think I would love to get a streaming commentary from inside her imagination while she plays. Then I remember - oh wait, I already do get that. It comes out of her mouth without ceasing, from morning until night, but it's at a pitch that only the neighbor's dog can understand so I guess I'll just have to wonder after all.


Posted by The Wizzle | Posted on Saturday, July 17, 2010 at 8:18 PM


I knew last week would be busy, because we were "on vacation". I knew it would be cray when we got home, because of the state in which I left my house and the mountains of dirty laundry etc. that are always part of coming back. But I had no idea how crazy it would be. And now that I'm home, I'm trying to figure out where to start blogging again and it's building up in my mind: nothing will be funny enough, or dramatic enough, or perfectly encapsulate my experience and entertain my readers, so screw it - I'm just going to write some stuff down and then the seal will be broken, so to speak, and everyone can get on with their lives.

The short version is, we had a lovely time in Utah. We made lots of memories, not all of them strictly good ones, and we are so grateful to be home, safe and sound.

Summary of trip:

1. Staying with friends beats the heck out of a hotel, even if you do have to make your own bed. We put the kids down and stayed up late every night playing board games, because we are awesome and that is what we like to do. If I told you our favorite game on this trip concerned controlling the spread of an unnamed infectious disease around the globe, would you believe me? If that's not enough, I'll publicize my geekiness to a previously unknown degree: we ordered said game, via Amazon, and had it *overnighted* to our hosts' house in Bountiful so we could have our own copy. There, you should all feel lots better about yourselves.

2. Utah has nicer weather than Arizona, at least every time we go. Yes, you don't have to shovel sunshine, I can hear my dad saying in my ear. But I'm telling you, it was delightful. And they have much nicer mountains. And trees. And old buildings. I like Utah.

Parts, anyway.

3. Did you know you can set off fireworks on the Fourth of July in Utah? Well, you can. It was pretty cool. This little desert rat had never seen them up close before, seeing as everything here is mostly on fire in the summer even on a good day, and Devlin was in rapturous ecstasy over every little spark.

4. I can't wait until all my kids are big enough to go on real roller coasters! I know, parenthood entails a great deal of self-sacrifice, but doggone it - Lagoon has a lot of sweet coasters and all I got to go on was the log flume. I didn't even get to ride the Puff the Tiny Dragon coaster - Eve rode and I watched. With Iris. I think she and I were both pretty bitter about that.

5. How lucky are my kids to have 5 great-grandparents? This is Iris with David's maternal grandfather. Someone on Facebook wanted to know how old he was, and congratulated me on my good genes. He is 85, and they are David's good genes. My family don't tend to make it to 85, and we definitely don't look this good if we do!

6. See Iris's nose in all these pictures? Notice how half of it seems to be missing? It's a good thing for her that the mother bear instinct is more powerful than natural selection, because left to her own devices she would have been dead at least three times this week. She ran out of church on Sunday and tumbled face-first down the sloping sidewalk. Just as her nose was beginning to heal, she fell down a flight of stairs and tore it open again.

And that was before she came down with an aggressive staph infection and was hospitalized upon our return home.

She had surgery, under general anesthesia, to drain an abscess on her leg (incidentally, I just realized that I have been spelling "abscess" wrong all week. I am deeply embarrassed about this. I thought it was just my phone spell-check sucking again). She is fine. She will be fine. But hippie or not, I have been going to town with the bleach solution this week - so it's safe to come help me paint my ceilings.

If you want.

Let them eat cake

Posted by The Wizzle | Posted on Sunday, July 4, 2010 at 8:24 PM


So, we are in Utah. We drove. We come up almost every year, and every year I grow a little more confident in my coping abilities on a very long drive with small children, and so I dread the car time a little less. But every year it's different, because the little tyrants backseat drivers dears are different people with every year that passes, with different quirks and whims that must be met if we are to have a peaceful journey.

This year, it was Iris's turn to be the turd in everyone's bathtub.

Traveling by car with Iris, I decided, is like traveling by car with a queen. A mad queen, maybe of Spain, who doesn't speak English, and is completely crazy. She sits on her throne, and surveys her kingdom, which she finds most unsatisfactory, and makes demands and proclamations in turn (only we can't understand her, because she doesn't speak English, so we just try to bow and rush around and get her what she wants, whatever that is).

She finds something that pleases her (raisins, for example) and proceeds to screech and gesture rudely whenever she doesn't have it. We, her chariot-drivers and royal advisors, try to gently point out that pursuing her obsession to the fullest extent may not be in her best interest and that there may be other activities and delicacies to tickle her fancy (Affairs of State, perhaps, or at least a snack not so likely to produce diarrhea). She declines, loudly, sending us off to be beheaded, imprisoned, or to procure her Elmo phone from under the driver's seat.

After many hours of gluttony, mayhem, and soiling herself at least once, she wraps herself in fine fabric and collapses from debauched exhaustion to sleep it off. We breathe a collective sigh, and steel ourselves for when she wakes and our (completely unintelligible) orders once again come spewing forth, like a tidal wave.

A tidal wave of raisin poop.

Maybe we can drug her on the way home.