Let them eat cake

Posted by The Wizzle | Posted on Sunday, July 4, 2010 at 8:24 PM


So, we are in Utah. We drove. We come up almost every year, and every year I grow a little more confident in my coping abilities on a very long drive with small children, and so I dread the car time a little less. But every year it's different, because the little tyrants backseat drivers dears are different people with every year that passes, with different quirks and whims that must be met if we are to have a peaceful journey.

This year, it was Iris's turn to be the turd in everyone's bathtub.

Traveling by car with Iris, I decided, is like traveling by car with a queen. A mad queen, maybe of Spain, who doesn't speak English, and is completely crazy. She sits on her throne, and surveys her kingdom, which she finds most unsatisfactory, and makes demands and proclamations in turn (only we can't understand her, because she doesn't speak English, so we just try to bow and rush around and get her what she wants, whatever that is).

She finds something that pleases her (raisins, for example) and proceeds to screech and gesture rudely whenever she doesn't have it. We, her chariot-drivers and royal advisors, try to gently point out that pursuing her obsession to the fullest extent may not be in her best interest and that there may be other activities and delicacies to tickle her fancy (Affairs of State, perhaps, or at least a snack not so likely to produce diarrhea). She declines, loudly, sending us off to be beheaded, imprisoned, or to procure her Elmo phone from under the driver's seat.

After many hours of gluttony, mayhem, and soiling herself at least once, she wraps herself in fine fabric and collapses from debauched exhaustion to sleep it off. We breathe a collective sigh, and steel ourselves for when she wakes and our (completely unintelligible) orders once again come spewing forth, like a tidal wave.

A tidal wave of raisin poop.

Maybe we can drug her on the way home.

Comments (14)

Um, lots of people in the Dixon kitchen are laughing right now. Mom is reading it to Eric. LOL

Great post.

Oh, Rachel, you do have a way with the English language, even if Iris doesn't. Miss you.


Your post made me laugh Rachel! Because I have another little queen who is constantly shouting orders as we cater to her demands in the car. We're starting our big drive up to Utah today, which has me a little nervous . . .

I hope you don't mind comments from strangers (I used to be pretty active on TBW--not so much now). :)

I literally just spit my coffee out reading this. Your writing style is wonderful. Unfortunately, I can totally relate! I have a delicate, frilly, crown-wearing tyrant of my own. Great post!

I love attention and I don't mind it from strangers or lifelong friends. Welcome to my blog! :)

Oh Rachel, you kill me. The image of the Helena Bonham-Carter as the Queen of Hearts in Alice in Wonderland was so vivid in my mind as I read this. I love it, especially knowing how dear and sweet Iris is, too. Ha ha!

Thanks for posting about your trip! We so love to hear about it all! LOVE YOU!!!

This makes me realize that I am not the only one out there who has wonderful passengers when taking road trips! Loved it.

Great post! Good luck on the way home. :P

Oh I hope we get to see you. I want to check out your slings and have you show me how to use them. Call me.

You are hilarious. Oh. My. Gosh.

Hello, another stranger here, hope that isn't too awkward and stalkerish. I'm actually a friend of Emily's from Provo (YW buddies!), so I found your blog through her's. I have to agree, this is a hilarious and fabulously written post. Your kids are adorable and awesome. I just had to come out and comment on your wit and cute family!


You are such a clever writer Rach! I love the things you come up with. I have to admit that sometimes I put off reading your blog for a while, simply because I am a jealous girl and envy your creativity. :) You are awesome! Maybe some of your wit and wisdom will rub off on me though.

Greg and I were just realizing that somehow the week of you coming up here came really quickly and we're regreting not taking the opportunity to see you guys (kicking ourselves that you were only 15 minutes away. bummer). Next time you make the trip, we hope to squeeze ourselves into your schedule if possible. I know Tara and Brian would love to get together with you as well. And I can't believe that your oldest is the only one of your kids that I have met. They are all so adorable though, and I'm glad to keep up with you guys through your blog. Thanks for letting us all into your lives!