Unconditional

Posted by The Wizzle | Posted on Monday, April 11, 2011 at 8:17 PM

8

Today has just been a whopper of a day.

It's the kind of day where I feel like I never can, never will, measure up to the standards and goals I have for myself.

I spend all day, literally every waking moment, brushing pigtails

brushing teeth

wiping counters

wiping noses

washing dishes

washing undies

washing sand out of people's hair

yelling

pleading

shushing

explaining

umpiring

listening

herding

saying no

saying no again

shouting no

bribing

cajoling

bossing

teaching

hoping

praying

despairing

At the end of today, I've done so many things, so badly, and I just came crashing into bedtime with a lump in my throat and a knot in my stomach and tears running that my face and I couldn't stop them. I tried to sniffle my way through The Napping House, but I couldn't get the words out.

I was pathetic.

And then something wonderful happened.

Iris turned around and buried her damp curls in my neck. She kissed my cheek, over and over. Devlin laid his head on my shoulder and stroked my hair. Eve crawled on my lap and hugged me as hard as she could.

And I cried even harder, because I have been grumpy, short-tempered, stressed out, and just plain mean all afternoon. That's not me being negative, or looking for validation, that's just the honest truth. And they earned that grouchy mom. I didn't deserve a hug, let alone three. I didn't deserve their love and affection at that moment. What I deserved was to be put to bed early, without a story or a song.

That's what I would have done to them.

I sobbed and held on to them for dear life, and when I could talk I told them I was sorry they had such a grumpy mom. I was sorry I wasn't more patient, more loving, less high-strung.

I asked them if they ever wished they had a nicer mom, a different mom.

Devlin looked up at me, horrified. "Mom! We could never want another mom! You're the best mom ever!"

I think I actually snorted. "Can you tell me more about that, Dev? What makes you say I'm the best mom ever?"

"Because you're my mom. I love you, no matter what happens."

And he meant it. They all meant it. (Kids are terrible liars.)

I love them so fiercely even when I want to kill them, or they're trying to kill each other, the way I would love them just as much even if they end up in jail, or on drugs, or starring in softcore Cinemax after-hours specials - nothing they could ever say or do would change the fact that they are my kids, and I am their mom.

I love them unconditionally, to the depth and breath of the meaning of that word that I never could have understood before.

And I don't think I ever really knew it until today, but they feel the same way about me.

Today still sucked. Lots of days suck. I don't think things are going to calm down for a long time. Maybe never. Some days I force myself to lower my expectations, down to the nubs, and some days I fight for the nice, tidy, peaceful, happy life I really want. Either way, nothing comes out how I want it to.

But I have three precious little people who, at the end of the day, always have a glass of water and a blanket for me (even if 9 times out of 10 they then knock over the water with the blanket), and I really think that might just be enough to get us all through.

Comments (8)

I really, really, really, really needed this today! So glad I took a homework break and saw this!

I'm in tears. My day was awful too. And it is a requirement for me to lower my expectations of myself every day otherwise I'd just be horribly depressed all of the time. But I also LOVE my kids so much it hurts. They are the greatest joy of my life. I just wish I was better able to give them all they need and with a happy face to boot! Love ya, doll!

Neat and tidy lives really aren't all they are cracked up to be. I've been there, and would just say "hang in." It is so worth it!

Ahh..the life of a mom! We love our kids more than anything and they drive us crazy more than anything! It will get easier! Just take it one day at a time. In a few years you will look back at this day and think 'wow..it's been a long time since I've had one of those days!'

Ah, you DID have a day! Maybe something is in the air? Or maybe we just have little kids, and this is the way it is!

Are you trying to make me cry? My goodness! What a perfectly articulated post on what motherhood is all about.

this was the perfect post! I feel like this alot and sometimes all it takes is that little hug and them telling you that your a great Mom.

AMEN! Saw myself in your words.