More letters

Posted by The Wizzle | Posted on Tuesday, July 19, 2011 at 8:27 PM

3

(I didn't quite get everything out of my system last week.)

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Dear Unwashed Craigslist Masses,

When you say "butcher block", I think what you really mean is "light-colored wood-like surface". Good luck foisting your crappy maple-ish kitchen table on someone else, because you're not fooling me.

You're welcome,

Design Star

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Dear Boden,

I don't suppose you've seen my darling green cropped cardigan (from your establishment) that disappeared last year? Or even have any thoughts on how an entire sweater might go missing in the first place? The more I think about it, the bigger tragedy it seems. However, I think I might be able to put my sadness behind me and call it a draw if you simply send this as a suitable replacement.

I'm nothing if not reasonable,

And Green Is My Color

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Dear Costco,

I know I have high expectations. Champagne taste, beer budget - I believe you've met? Anyway, when I shop at "bargain" grocery stores, I expect to find a hairy strawberry or two in my pint. But when I splurge for produce at a store that doesn't require roller-derby maneuvers to reach the merchandise, I'm treasuring loftier aspirations. I can smell a rotten potato a country mile away, and you can hide it in the middle of a 5-, 10-, or 50-pound bag, but I will find it. I would rather just pay an extra nickel for my spuds than have to endure the indignity of picking through the bag for the proverbial rotten apple - which does, it happens, actually spoil the barrel.

You should be ashamed of yourselves,

The Mold-Averse Management

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Dear Everybody,

Did you know tortoises yawn? It's just about the cutest thing I've ever seen.

As surprised as you,

A Twitterpated Reptile Mom

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Dear David,

I know this is going to sound weird, but the news that you were researching how to replace a toilet online was every bit as welcome as would have been the news that you were researching jewelry, romantic vacations, or my shoe wishlist.

But who says you have to pick just one?

Your Loving Wifey

Comments (3)

These are hysterical! Maybe Dave can get you some of those shoes with the money saved with DIY toilet replacement. :)

I'm so glad you see it that way! <3

Love the letters...I share your disgust with hidden, moldy produce. Grr.