Posted by The Wizzle | Posted on Monday, November 14, 2011 at 6:20 PM


Dear Amazon.com,

Last night, while I was perusing your vast collection of potential Christmas gifts, I saw a new DVD copy of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 listed for sale at $3.99. I pay twice that for a used copy at Bookman's! I put it in my cart, paid, and just received notice that it has shipped. I triple-checked, but it still seems too good to be true. In any case, I have told the children to look for it in the mail. They know it's coming, so if it shows up and is actually a bomb, or a carton of rotten eggs...well, they have wands. And they know how to use them.

Accio movie!

Mrs. Weasley

* * * * *

Dearest, darling, messy, messy, messy children,

Would it help if implanted a chip in the back of your necks, and then electronically sent you a list of GPS coordinates of every individual item you have strewn about the house, and that I would now like you to pick up and put away?

I'll try anything,


* * * * *

A letter to my carpet:

You are white. There are lots of brown spots. I have been meaning to get out the big steam cleaner, but as a short-term measure, I did some spot-cleaning this weekend. Now, instead of dirty spots, I have very visible "clean spots". And now I really do have to do the whole job properly, because that's just embarrassing.

I'm SO annoyed,


* * * * *
Dear John and Connie, previous residents of this address,

Why the &$*&# ^(#(* %&#($ did you install WHITE CARPETING?



* * * * *

My dearest, darling, whiny whiny whiny children,

You know that thing you are trying to say to me? The thing I have to ask you to repeat 3 times? If you think you need to say it in a barely audible, tiny, whiny, whispering voice, you probably already know what the answer is going to be, and are better off not saying it at all.

(No, you cannot eat cookies and watch Mythbusters in your pajamas, all day, every day).

I love you,


* * * * *

Dear 12-year-old Rachel,

Remember when you were a ballerina, all those years ago? And you were so in awe of the older dancers? Those tall, glamorous, impossibly beautiful, intimidating creatures?

I went to an event this weekend featuring the ballet company of your youth, and I saw those "principal" dancers up close and personal. And I'm here to tell you, 20 years too late, that they are nothing to be scared of. They have zits. And they are tiny! They are little girls, just like you were. Not apprentice-crushing monsters.

It's all gonna work out fine,

30-year-old Rachel

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Dear 30-year-old Rachel,

When you get to be a mom, and you have girls in ballet, please don't forget how I felt as a young ballerina all those years ago. I wasn't savvy enough to be one of the cool kids, but I was savvy enough to sense the gap, and feel it very keenly. They may look like little girls, but there is a lot of hidden cruelty happening already. It's not easy to be a teenager, and it's even harder to be a dancer.

P.S. Pay attention to what shoes and leotards the other girls have, and if you can afford them, make sure your daughters have the same. It was important to me, and it will be important to them. Every little bit helps when you're fighting for acceptance.

Never a party girl, always a mouse,

12-year-old Rachel

Comments (6)

You know, I can't even imagine you as a mouse. Isn't the perspective we gain just priceless? Too bad it is won so painfully, but it is nice to have acquired, nevertheless. I'm with you on having roughly the same attire...my gym suit left scars, I'm tellin' ya.

LETTERS!! I love them all, especially your kids wanting to watch Mythbusters all the time. :)

You're just darn cute! I can't get enough of your sense of humor. In the future, you will love that you're keeping such an accurate diary (and so will your children). Hugs to you, my friend.

"never a party girl, always a mouse"--this tugs at my heart strings.

I don't know exactly what it was like for you growing up in dance, because if you'll remember, you had the discipline for ballet and I did not. But I remember watching you perform in the Nutcracker and pirouette in your beautiful point shoes in your recitals and wishing I could be a mouse. :)

You are wonderful, Rachel. You, to me, have so many exceptional qualities. I love that you would think to be quietly mindful of your daughters' peers. One thing we know as 30-year-olds is that the clothes don't matter, but to show your daughters that what matters to them, matters to you, does.

I second Emily!

And I have a fond memory of getting lost in your house at a party, so you were at least a little bit party girl!

We were blessed with previous owners who choose white carpet too. When we moved in I said, "Oh, we'll replace it soon." 5 1/2 years later and no replacement in sight. It's no longer white though.

I need to e-mail you. I would like to chat some I Heart Mesa stuff with you.