Letters

Posted by The Wizzle | Posted on Thursday, September 20, 2012 at 9:51 PM

0

Dear Dollar Tree

Really? Two generic brands of tinfoil? I was suspicious as soon as I saw it.  I know I'm not going to get Reynolds Wrap, but this way I had to guess which cheap crappy tinfoil was going to be slightly less crappy.  Turns out, the Handi-Foil isn't really very handy when you have to take it out of the box to unroll it, and I would try again with the Ultra Foil, but I suspect it may be similarly "ultra" in name only.  How about just one kind that actually works?

I've got birthday brownies to make,

The Wizzle

*   *   *   *   *

Dear Truck Owner at Coffee Rush,

...

You know what, never mind.  I'm sure you did need two parking spaces.  My mistake.

Carry on,

Not As Important As You

*   *   *   *   *

Dear Truck Owner at Speed Smart,

If you cannot open your doors without dinging my A-pillars, because your doors are the size and height of tank doors, and if you cannot make a three-point turn in a parking lot due to the length and breadth of your super duper double mega king cab, perhaps you might want to consider purchasing a smaller vehicle next time.

And I'm in a MINIVAN,

A Grumpy Old Mom

*   *   *   *   *

Dear Readers,

I promise, I don't dislike truck drivers categorically.  And perhaps the young man in the gas station was driving his parents' truck, who need it for legitimate business reasons, and he was just unfamiliar with maneuvering it.  Maybe the driver at the coffee shop was double parked because the person who was parked next to him when he got there was double parked, and they left before he came back out so it just looked like he was a double-parking spot hog when I got there.

Maybe.

But it's kind of fun to write snarky letters anyway, don't you think?

Everybody's got to make a living,

Oh wait, I don't get paid to write this stuff,

Guess I'm Just A Grouch Today

*   *   *   *   *

Dear Jillian Michaels,

I thought my quads, calves, and hamstrings were reasonably strong.  Then I did your Level 3 workout twice in 4 days.

Every day's a school day,

Jell-O Legs

*    *   *   *   *

Dear Jillian Michaels, again,

I notice that you have never been pregnant and given birth to children.  I hear that you adopted a couple of beautiful babies, and I'm so happy for you!  But I believe this small fact explains why you think I'm going to end up with a 6-pack after 3 weeks of ab work.  I'm pretty sure I do have some muscles under there, but man.  Gravity is a DRAG, and the old gray mare really, really ain't what she used to be.

It can't hurt to keep trying,

And There's Always Spanx

*   *   *   *   *


Dear Nichole,

You are super stylish and chic, and I'm so excited for your wedding to my husband's brother.  I've got a coordinating new outfit that I think will fit right in (you know I love an excuse to buy new clothes, right?)  The nieces and nephews are going to look darling. 

I would like to apologize in advance, because there is a good chance that my youngest child will be either barefoot, or wearing one of the (garish, well-worn) pairs of shoes she already owns.  It's hard to find cute dressy shoes in an extra-extra wide.  I hope you can forgive me.  And maybe take photos of them from the waist up.

Function over form,

Iris's Mom

Comments (0)